i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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