your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
