Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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