my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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