Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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