i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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