Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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