New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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