I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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