I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
