i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
