Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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