dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
