i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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