haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
