If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
