five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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