If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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