Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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