Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
