i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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