Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
