I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
