Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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