11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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