Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
