my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
