Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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