I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
