I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
