So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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