On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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