Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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