My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
