I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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