i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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