His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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