Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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