Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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