i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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