Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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