I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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