sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
