So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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