he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
