have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
