I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
