genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
