I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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