I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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