I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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