now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
