i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
