Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
