We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
