The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
