Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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